Sunday, March 18, 2012

The Things You Learn

After five pregnancies, I've learned a few things.  This pregnancy being my sixth has taught me even a few more things.  Never being one to keep my mouth shut, I feel it's my responsibility to share my knowledge with everyone else.  You can all thank me later.

My Top Ten Facts of Pregnancy Life:

10.  Girl scout cookies totally qualify as a well-rounded breakfast.  And lunch. And dinner.
9. Hormones will make an expectant mother cry at everything. Literally. Everything.
8. Shaving legs is the ultimate display of love.  You have no idea how challenging it is to reach all those spots let alone see them.
7.  With each pregnancy, the bladder gets weaker and weaker. Never make a pregnant woman laugh too hard unless you're willing to mop the floor or scrub the couch she's on. Also, laughing at her for peeing her pants will make her cry.
6. Looking at a pregnant woman in horror while exclaiming, "Holy crap! You're huge", will either bring about a punch in the face or inconsolable sobbing. Or both.
5. Chasing an escaped dog up the block to bring her back home is pretty much impossible. It's pointless to try. Crying over the escaped dog is much more productive.
4. Chasing an escaped Liam up the block to bring him home is pretty much impossible, but is legally required. It's probably more productive to cry over the escaped Liam, though.
3. When a pregnant woman tells you she's feeling short of breath and like she might pass out soon, she's not kidding. No, seriously. She means it.
2. Completing a grocery shopping trip in your third trimester is equivalent to climbing Mount Everest with a 300 pound man on your back.
1. Those cups doctors want you to pee in are WAY too small for a pregnant woman and she is 100% guaranteed to pee on her hand. Every. Single. Time.

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