Embarrassing Situation Narrowly Avoided

Anyone who knows me or who has followed my blogs long enough knows that I'm a pretty open book.  I'm like one big walking embarrassing moment after another and I'm usually pretty willing to share it.  If I don't do something to humiliate myself each day, my kids find a way to do it for me.  Yesterday's moment?  Well, that was all me.
One of the joys of pregnancy is that I get to pee in a cup every single time I go to the doctor. Don't be too jealous, folks. There is nothing classier than a woman who is approximately the size of a small satellite trying to pee into a cup the size of something meant for a Barbie tea party.  Anyway, I digress.
This doctor likes to have a sample from first thing in the morning after an overnight fast. Okay. I can do that. No big deal.  Yesterday morning I got up, got my sample ready,  got Liam off to school, woke up Aiden and the other kids, and got them off to school as well. It sounds simple, but getting that many kids up, dressed, fed, packed, and out the door WITH shoes and coats on is often easier said than done.  
Finally, after they were all off on their buses, I only had Drezden left to get to pre-school before rushing to my appointment.  I hurriedly packed his backpack, got all of my things together, and loaded into the car.  I dropped him off with his backpack and rushed off to my appointment.
When I arrived at the doctor's office, I realized to my horror that something was missing. My cup of pee!  Seriously?!? Where could it be?? And then I remembered the morning and even more horror washed over me. Drezden's backpack!!! How on earth could I possibly have left a cup of pee in my kid's backpack!?!?!? It was discreetly wrapped in a bag, but what if the teacher opened it?  What if she thought it was something other than pee and tried to serve it up as apple juice?  What if...?  Well, let's not even got there. 
I did my appointment, told the nurse where I thought the sample was, and provided another one all the while wishing I could get out of there and go get Drezden before something awful happened. I debated calling the school and telling his teacher about the mix-up, but what if she hadn't checked his bag?  What if, by the grace of God, I'd managed to leave it somewhere else or something?  Then I'd have fessed up and looked like a freak for no good reason.
Anyway, I finally make it to his school to pick him up and the teacher says "Oh! Drezden's main teacher put some paperwork in his backpack.".  Aaaahhhhhhh!!! She's been in the bag!!!  I grabbed his bag and looked. My bag wasn't in there. Had she found it and kindly thrown it out?  Oh my gosh! Did she find it and think it was a beverage??  I had to get home as soon as possible.  In my life, I've never prayed so hard to find a cup of pee sitting on my kitchen counter.
Finally, after what felt like a lifetime, I made it home.  My heart was racing as I ran in the door. There, sitting on my table, was my bag with my extra special little sample.  I've never been so relieved.  
So there you have it, folks. No matter how crazy or embarrassing your life gets today, just know that you didn't accidentally forget a urine sample and have to spend the whole morning worrying that your four year old was carrying it in his school backpack.

Time For Updates? I Should Say So!

Shame on me! I've been so busy being knocked up that I haven't taken the time to blog.  Well that is sure to change. There are lots of updates and funny stories to tell, and by golly, I'm going to tell them.  Little by little, of course. I'm amazing and everything, but I'm not super human.  Well, mostly not super human.  Until I have time to tell each individual story that needs to be told (and there are some doozies!), here are the updates.

• Baby in my tummy is a GIRL and she's doing GREAT!
• Liam turned three and is going to school full time and doing awesome at it.  His new implant surgery went well and is considered a success! Oh, and he's in Sunbeams at church and no one has killed him yet. Amazing!
• Byron's company is going through some big scary changes, but we feel like we'll be fine. We always are.
• Christmas went remarkably well. We simplified it this year and the kids had a great time.  We learned that the game, Don't Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus, can lead to great sibling rivalries (more to come on that story!).
• Aiden is busy, busy, busy with his drama club rehearsals. I imagine he'll be the best monkey Alladin has ever seen.
• CJ is loving cub scouting and hasn't accidentally shot anything...yet.
• Rachel has turned into the ultimate drama clean. Enough said.
• Drezden is cute as ever and talking a ton.  He may be shy, but he's learning to hold his own.
• Liam. Well, Liam is Liam. He's wild and crazy and messy and...well, perfect.

Okay, so those were boring updates I know. More to come very soon.  I promise! No really! It's true.

The Twelve Days of Christmas..and a True Friend Gave To Us

About a week ago, Rachel opened the door and exclaimed "presents!!"  I looked out the front door and was beyond stunned to see that there were indeed 12 beautifully wrapped gifts. Each was labelled with a number and a note attached.  We have no idea who it was, but someone found it in themselves to treat us to an amazing gift.

The children eagerly placed each present under the tree (except number twelve because that one said to put it in the freezer) and discussed what they thought could be inside each one.  The anticipation was killing them and the joy and delight was just oozing out of them.

We decided to put everyone's name in a bin and draw names each night to decide who would get to unwrap the gift of the day. Each night before bed, we sing a Christmas song together, say family prayer, and open the gift.  And each night I'm reminded of just how blessed we really are.

The gifts have been so cleverly chosen, each having its own little poem attached to it.  My favorite so far has been the fifth day of Christmas with a poem that says something to the affect of, "If hearing's not your thing, enjoy these golden chocolate bells even though they don't ring".  That one made me giggle and demonstrated just how much thought went into it all.

It hasn't even been about the gifts that has touched me so much.  (Although the gifts have been VERY generous and kind and I can only hope that we will someday be in a position to pay this gesture forward). It's the joy and togetherness that this has brought to us that I'm so grateful for.  We haven't missed a night of family prayer together, and we treasure that ten or fifteen minutes that we get to just be together enjoying each other's company.  We feel so loved and so blessed to know that, even our little family isn't forgotten this holiday season.  This has been so uplifting for us in the midst of Liam's surgery, and then repeat surgery, Byron's job being in jeopardy due to lay-offs, and just the general hustle and bustle of the holiday season.  I love that this gives us a moment each day to pause as a family and realize the true meaning of Christmas.  It's about giving and thinking of others and putting them before yourself.  Helping my children understand that through this anonymous giver's example is truly the best gift of all.

We don't know who you are, but we hope you are out there reading this somewhere.  We hope you know just how deeply grateful we are for your kindness and generosity.  We are beyond touched that you chose us to receive this amazing gift.  May you be blessed ten-fold for what you've done for us.

Lots of Doors Slamming. Thank Goodness for Cracked Windows.

Well, it's been a heck of a week.  I know it's been a long time since I've updated, and I am working to amend that.  Suffice it to say Halloween was swell and Thanksgiving was great.  We did some stuff, we saw some people, and we ate some food.  And we were happy. And we are still happy.

All that said, lots of doors have closed this week. First, Byron's department is being "dissolved".  In other words, he's soon to be out of work.  It should just in time for the new baby to come. Swell.  We are a little bit bummed, but we will press forward. The really amazing news is that our bishop works at a company that probably has a place for Byron. It would be such a blessing to have that happen.  We've also learned that a number of people are working to help Byron find a new job and are offering letters of recommendation for him.  All of a sudden, we can really see just how many people are impressed with him and respect him enough to recommend him.  It's a blessing.

CJ and Liam had their cochlear implants. HUGE blessing for CJ.  Liam has a complication.  I'm copying this from my other blog because I'm too lazy to type it, but here it is:

His surgery went well and he recovered quickly...too quickly in my opinion.  We took him Monday to activate it and that's where the bad news came in.  He can hear with it, but he can't control his head or body when it's on.  An X-ray was performed followed by a CT scan today and both confirmed what the doctor feared had happened. 

Liam's internal anatomy is very unusual. Highly unusual. Extremely unusual. (Are you getting the idea?)  There is no bone between the bottom of his cochleas and his auditory canal, and a portion of the implant has landed in the auditory canal.  CJ has the same anatomy, but by some miracle, he hasn't had this same problem.

The doctor is going to have to remove the implant and try to re-insert it so that it goes into the cochlea rather than the auditory canal.  With the spinal fluid gusher that Liam has (caused because there is no bone to control the fluid), there is no way to see what is happening in there.  There is also no way to know for sure that the implant has gone in the intended direction.  It's possible that the doctor will have to push it in as far as he knows for sure that he can and leave the rest out. That leads to other issues like not having enough electrodes in the cochlea, but we can work around those issues. 

The whole situation is very complicated, and admittedly a little bit scary, but it WILL be resolved.  This is a very rare (never really seen) situation, so I guess I can be excited that Liam gets to be some sort of pioneer.  I swear I should just call TLC and get my own tv show. 

The good news is that we WILL get this worked out, and it doesn't look like it's going to cost us an arm and a leg. And Liam won't even remember it, so that's a HUGE blessing.  The other good thing is that I spoke with the surgeon back in Dallas who did CJ's first implant. Since they have basically identical anatomy, I thought maybe there was a shot that he'd have a clue what to do. I was right! He's seen this kind of anatomy before and knows how to work with it. I'll be overnight expressing the CT scans and X-rays first thing in the morning for him to look at and help guide our doctor here.

I drove off with my computer and $500 worth of brand new hearing equipment on my van yesterday. That was a total downer. BUT, the computer was only cosmetically damaged and will be repaired for free with our Best Buy Black Tie coverage and the audiologist felt so sorry for us about Liam's implant that she's just going to replace the equipment I lost.  See what I mean about doors slamming shut, but windows cracking everywhere?  It's stressful, I'm tired, and we have reason to be concerned. But, we're not afraid.  We will prevail just as we always have.

I'm thinking, worst case scenario, we could always call TLC and get our own show. We have kids with random weird disabilities and health issues, we have a lot of kids by today's standards, we're Mormon (and who doesn't love to watch a show about quirky Mormons, right?), and we're way more fun than John and Kate were. Plus we don't fight.  We'd be perfect!!

That's What I Get For Joking About It

A couple months ago, I posted our big "announcement" about CJ and Liam getting their cochlear implants soon. I wrote the post to sound as if I were announcing a pregnancy. Ha! We were pretty done with having kids, so it seemed funny at the time.

Shortly after that, I prayed for patience.  Do you know what happens when you joke about being pregnant and then pray for patience?  You get PREGNANT!  Yep. That's right. Knocked up. That's me.  We've known for about a month now, but I wanted to be cautious in sharing until I saw a heartbeat for myself on the ultrasound screen.   Today we saw a very healthy little gummy bear-lookin' thing on the screen with a good, strong hb.  So, there you go. That's a big announcement that's no joke.

Ninja Monkey Attack!

I know it's been ages since I've updated the blog, but that's because I have so much to say and so little time to say it.  That, and well...that's really the only excuse I have.  I promise BIG and EXCITING updates on Friday.  Promise.  I think...

Anyway, moving on to today's blog post.  Ninja Monkey Attacks!  It seems they're rampant in our kids' schools and things are going missing all over the place, particularly Rachel's lunch box.  She keeps forgetting to ask to check lost and found, so I sent her teacher an e-mail to remind her.  I'm hoping it works.  Tell me what you think.  Here it is:

Mrs. F:

It would appear that Rachel has been attacked by ninja monkeys on her way back from the cafeteria to the classroom. It seems that the only thing they wanted was her pink Hello Kitty lunchbox.  Since they're monkeys, I can only assume they wanted the food inside and then promptly placed the lunchbox lovingly in the lost and found box.  Rachel keeps forgetting to ask to check in lost and found so is instead forced to suffer the shame and humiliation of carrying her brother's old Spider Man lunchbox.  The horror!  Can you please remind her to look for her lunchbox tomorrow?  It is clearly labelled with her name.

Thanks so much!

-Aimee 

The Dreaded School Fund Raiser

Warning: This is going to be a rant (a funny one, but still a rant).  I'm going to ramble on and on about yet another pet peeve of mine.  The good news is that I am at least not going to ask you to go running home and beg your family to buy overpriced junk no one wants so that I can win a twenty-five cent prize that will break within minutes of it falling into my possession.  There! Now that the disclaimer is done, I can proceed with my ranting and raving.

I am not a huge fan of home schooling. I admire families that do it, but I recognize my limitations and jail time sounds unappealing.  Since one can't eat one's own offspring without going to jail, home school is out of the question for me. Really. I think I would eat my children if they were all home trying to learn something of value from me every day. It is because of this sad fact that my beloved offspring attend public school everyday.  While there are many wonderful attributes to public school, there are also a few downsides. Nothing too huge, but still they are there. Well, okay. In my mind, some of them are huge, but my mind is apparently not like the normal human mind.  Anyway, I digress.  Let's discuss one of the BIGGEST downfalls of public school: The Dreaded Fundraiser!

I have taken off my rose-colored glasses and I do realize that schools are not given nearly enough funding to support what they need to do.  This is a painfully obvious fact, and I fully understand that there has to be some way to help them earn the much-needed funds for the school.  Since the principal has repeatedly refused to take up pole dancing on the side, it seems that the only other option is the standard school fundraiser.  Well, according to the schools that's the only option.  I will happily provide a few other options before my rant is over.  First, let's talk about why I HATE SCHOOL FUNDRAISERS!!!

First of all, the quality of the product is worse than sub-par. Seriously.  I know there's the option of purchasing chocolate, but who wants to spend ten bucks for five bites of chocolate that is probably older than Texas?  Yes, wrapping paper is another option, but it must be lined in gold to justify it being the price that it is.  I don't want to buy your knick knacks, thingamabobs, whoziwhatsits, or dinglehoppers.  I don't want them!!!  While we're on the subject, I also don't want your overpriced cookie dough.  The only reason anyone ever buys those things is because the kids pimped out to sell them are so dang cute.  I mean, how can any nice little old lady say no to some adorable freckle-faced kid who just wants to earn a sticky hand toy?  

Then there's the "prizes".  These are not prizes, kids. They're junk.  Look, we can go down to the local Dollar Tree and fork over two bucks there and you can get pretty much any of the prizes you see in that fancy-shmancy "prize" catalog and you don't have to knock on strangers' doors or alienate your family members in the process.

Last year, Aiden's drama club put on an amazing play.  It was phenomenal, but it couldn't be presented in the school during school hours. The show was "Aladdin:, so perfectly appropriate.  Why couldn't it be shown?  Well, because it took away from class time. Instead, the show had to be presented at the high school auditorium only in the evening hours.  Interesting.  Yesterday, my kindergarten and second graders were pulled from their classes for an assembly during which they were told about all the amazing things they could get if they were willing to rob their loved ones blind...oops! I mean, sell these fine products to them.  The rep from the fundraising company is paid to get the kids excited to sell, sell, sell.  I wonder if this is how drug dealers get started.  I can see it now. Some kid is in rehab twenty years from now and says something like, "Hi. My name is CJ and I'm a drug dealer.  I first got started when I was in second grade and I got the thrill of earning a rubber frog in exchange for hours of hard labor and about $350 worth of products..."  See?  This is a dangerous plan, folks.

At this amazing school assembly, they learned something else. They learned that the kids who sell various amounts of products would get amazing rubber frogs (or is it little ducks. I can't remember.)  And, if they're wearing their frog, and the frog hunter finds them, they might get a prize from him.  This may sound fairly innocent, but I have an issue with it.  What about the kids who's parents aren't allowed to sell crap at work (like Byron) or who have siblings?  They do offer a lovely family package for families with multiple children at the school, but it's still well beyond our means.  So, while some kids are walking around with their fancy frogs,  my kids get to feel like weenies because their parents aren't able to support the fund raiser.  And, in case that isn't enough, the kids who sell whatever the quota is get to ride in a hummer limo to go bowling and play laser tag or eat Kona Ice out in front of the school while the other kids look on longingly. I'm all in favor of competition, but I prefer it to be competition in the form of something kids can actually control. Kids can't control whether or not their families can afford to participate in a school fundraiser.  They can control whether or not they make some lovely artwork to sell, whether they do their best at a jog-a-thon, or any other similar activity.  This morning at our bus stop, five out of seven kids at the bus stop were crying over the fact that they weren't going to have lucky frogs, ride in a hummer limo, or win an ipad.

Another thing about these fundraisers that completely irritates me is that the school only gets to keep a small percentage of what it earns.  On average, schools only keep 40% of their earnings. Our school is smart enough to at least offer families the option of just making a donation so that 100% of the proceeds stay in the school, but their timing couldn't possibly be worse.

That brings me to my next complaint. Can we talk about timing? Yesterday was Day #7 of school.  DAY SEVEN, PEOPLE!  I know you want to get a jump on the earnings, but can we at least have the kids in the school long enough for the teachers to know their names before we start milking them for money?  Sheesh!  Families have just forked out an entire mortgage payment just for school supplies and clothes and NOW you're asking them for more funds?  I'm thinking the timing is a little off here.  How about right around May when people are getting their tax refunds and are flying high on the twenty-five cents Mr. Obama has found in his heart to give them?  Maybe an end of the year fundraiser to fund the next year is a better choice, eh?

I try never to be one to complain without offering suggestions, so this is the part where I impart my brilliance upon you. Well, not really. All of these are ideas I've stolen from others, but I really like.  Let this also be a public announcement to the powers that be in our local elementary school: If I make the suggestion, I'm willing to put my money where my mouth is and take on the responsibility of trying to pull it all together.  That said, here goes nothin':
1. The ever popular silent auction and carnival event.  The cafeteria is big enough that vendors could rent tables to promote their stuff while tables around the perimeter could be full of donations up for auction. For really big ticket items, each classroom could take on a theme to create a basket to be auctioned. For example, one class might take on Saint Louis Cardinals. If even half the kids in the class bring an item fitting that theme, it would create a great gift basket.  Lots of families work for businesses that would be willing to donate items or gift certificates.  "Fine Art" made by the children could be sold for whatever parents want to donate. The day of the auction, there could be a little carnival held with games that cost a nickel to a quarter each. Cake walks, bean bag tosses, bounce houses, watermelon seed spitting contests, etc. are always a huge hit.  $50 at the local Oriental Trading vendor would buy enough cheap prizes for everyone who plays.  If it's a school with a good sense of community, these types of events can bring in thousands of dollars that all stay in the school.

2.  Local businesses and restaurants often have dine to donate nights. Thankfully our school is part of many of these.  The only one we don't do is the Capri Sun Packet Brigade. Every empty capri sun packet is worth something like three cents.  If you just put a bucket in the cafeteria for kids to put their empties packets in, you'd probably make something like $10-$20 a week. Easy and FREE for the school!

3. Jog-a-thons, math-a-thons, hop-a-thons, read-a-thons, etc.  The kids find sponsors, get to do something fun and intellectually or physically stimulating, and the school earns lots of money that it gets to keep.

Okay. I'll stop now. I've ranted. I've raved. I've given my argument against school fundraisers, and I feel a little better. Actually, I'd keep going, but the kids just got off the bus and they are tearfully begging me to reconsider letting them sell something.  I'm not budging. Have I ever mentioned just how much I HATE SCHOOL FUNDRAISERS???