I Am a Crazy Old Lady Magnet

If I were a smart person, I'd simply stop going shopping in places like WalMart and Target all together. We all know the history I have with these places. From unfortunate pooping incidents, to screaming children, to parking lot incidents, to who knows what else I ALWAYS have something happen when I go to either of these places. The truth is that it doesn't really matter where I go. I will have something happen. I should probably go ahead and plant a garden complete with some free range chickens and milking cows. (I guess that's really called a farm, isn't it?) If I could become completely self-reliant I wouldn't ever have to leave the house again and would therefore avoid any possibility of unfortunate incidents. That said, just imagine the potential blog fodder that would come should I be the one running a farm.

So, what has been the latest and greatest shopping issue? OLD PEOPLE with coupons and competitors' advertisements. I'm not suggesting that I have a problem with elderly people. I think they have something wonderful to offer to society. If we could learn more from the history that our elderly carry with them, we would prevent a huge portion of societal problems that we see today. See? I do value old people. But we need to discuss their shopping habits.

Without fail, every. single. time. I go to the store, I choose the wrong check-out line. It seems like common sense, right? Choose the line with the least people in it who also have the emptiest baskets. I mean, don't we all do that? Really? Is there any other way to pick a check-out line?

If I am using the same method to choose a check-out line as every other person in the store, how is it that I am always the person behind the old lady that has serious "shopping issues"?!?!? In this economy, I can understand the desire to save a penny here and there, and respect it. But, let's use a little common sense, old ladies! If the coupon says it expired four years ago, it really means it. It's no good anymore. And, no, you can't ask the checker to just scan the same coupon twelve times so you can save twenty cents on your cat food over and over and over and over again. And, really, do you need to have someone run a price check on every single thing you've purchased? It's a can of tuna, for goodness sake!!! Does sixty-nine cents vs. sixty-seven cents really make that much difference to you? REALLY?!?!? Let me just pay for that for you. Consider it a gift. No, not to you. To ME. Inevitably, I'm behind this lady and have children with me who are tired and grumpy and hungry. Without fail, I tell you!

Then there's the lady who feels the need to comp. every item in her buggy. Again, I respect the desire to save some money. I wish I could be better at it. But, if you're going to comp. every single thing, maybe do us all a favor and make sure you have the right items! Make sure the advertisement you're using to comp. with is from this century. Just like coupons, stores only honor what is still valid. Really. It's true. No amount of talking and begging is going to change that. What? You don't want the items if you can't comp. them?? Seriously? You're going to make the checker re-scan every single item so you can be sure she's done it right, and you're going to put back what isn't really a good deal for you? Wow! Just wow!

Lastly, there's the old lady who refuses to write out her check until she has fully inspected the receipt and asked for explaination of at least twenty items on the check. Would it be so much to ask that you check your receipt later? How many errors can there be after you've made the checker unload and re-scan every item with you standing there breathing down her neck?

Honestly, every shopping trip in the past three weeks has resulted in me getting in line behind these very sweet old people. The best part is that, since I'm stuck in the line for who knows how long, these same old people feel like they need to touch Little Guy, make comments about his oxygen, and hearing aids, and point out that birth control is an option. Let me just help you out, you lovely elderly people. Let me just go ahead and answer your questions right here for you so that you don't have to ask them.
"Does he really need that oxygen thing?" No! I just thought it looked really cool and was trying to start a new trend. Before long, everyone is going to have their babies wearing oxygen.
"Those are hearing aids in his ears? Does he really have a hearing loss?" Again, nope. I am just really trying to start this new trend. You know, so that we can teach children from infancy to be more accepting of Deaf people and people who need oxygen.
"Are all these kids your's?" No, of course not! I just don't think a trip to Wal Mart on Saturday is at all complete without half a dozen kids. I went ahead and borrowed these extras from my neighbors.
"You do know what causes all these children, right?" No, would you mind telling me. I'd like diagrams and flow charts, please. OR, my personal favorite answer to that one: Yes. I do know what causes it. But, I'm trying to do my duty according to God by using my talents. Is it my fault that my talents cause children to come?
And, while we're at it, please stop touching Little Guy. I know he's adorable. (He gets that from me, you know.) I know you feel sorry that he has to wear that oxygen. (And, you shouldn't feel sorry, by the way. He loves the oxygen. It keeps him from turning blue. Really.) I know there is nothing more irrestible than a sweet baby smiling up at you and kicking his adorable legs for all he's worth. But, please, if you think he's that cute, tell him from a distance. Look at him, talk to him, make stupid faces at him, do what you want. Just do it from a distance.

Well, I feel much better now that I've let out that little rant. I think it's probably been festering for a while. I think that little release should keep me good to go for at least the next four or five shopping trips. Honestly, I think it's just time to accept the fact that I am a crazy old lady magnet.