Dear Family and Friends:
The humans didn't have time to write their annual Christmas card this year, so they told me I had to do it. They think I have free time on my paws or something. Apparently they are unaware of how hard I work at marking my territory and scaring off the mailman and other unsuspecting visitors.
The big humans keep telling me they're always busy. I keep asking to be walked, but they just tell the smaller humans to walk me. The big man human spends lots of time at his work. He tells me that he has to go there if I want him to bring home enough bones to sustain my current quality of life. He told me this week that I have to get one of those Snuggies for dogs because he got a new job in Saint Louis. I tried to complain, but he said I could take my doghouse. I can't argue with that. Well, mostly. He said I also have to take the cat. I don't like the cat. The big lady human mostly just cleans all the time. I work so hard to make sure I leave my fur all over my favorite chair, and she just swoops right in with that big sucky thing and takes it all off. She keeps telling me this is her house, but I don't see her marking her territory anywhere.
My favorite humans are the little humans. There is the biggest one who feeds us. He keeps telling me he needs to go to school. I've never been to obedience school, and I'm great. I don't really understand why he insists on going there every day. He must be paper trained because lots of his papers are hanging on the refrigerator. He also wears a uniform and tells people he's a scout. He's lucky I like him. I usually chase people with uniforms.
The next human is that one who talks really loud. He goes to obedience school now, too. I'm not surprised about that. He doesn't sit well at all. The nice thing about his school is that now he can read the labels on the food, so he feeds me sometimes now. I get in lots of trouble for making messes of the trash, but for some reason, he's allowed to play with all kinds of weird stuff. He calls it art. I call it a huge mess.
The girl human is pretty cute. I can mostly tolerate her. She likes to make me wear tiaras, though. Doesn't she know I'm a boy dog??? She loves to stand on her bed and sing, and she never gets in trouble for it. If I howl from my bed, I get in really big trouble. I think she must be learning something at her obedience school, too, because she is counting and pretending a lot. I know because she makes me be the one to play with her most.
The little human with the glasses has gotten really big and learned a new trick. He can walk on just his hind legs now!! I've been trying to learn that for a long time with no luck. He must be gifted. He's also really good at doing tricks. When he wants something, he just has to cry and make this really sad face (like on the Christmas card picture), and he gets anything he wants. Most of my tricks don't get me any prizes.
Then there's that little human they got me last year for Christmas. I liked him when he was tiny like me, but now he's big and really noisy. He spent lots of time at the vet this year, and now he has a leash that he wears even in the house. The owners call it a nasal canula and they say he won't always need it. I hope so because I don't know how he could possibly sniff out bones with that thing near his snout. He is also working on wearing those things over his ears so he can hear better. I think he's my favorite human because he walks on all four's like me. And he likes me. And I think he and I speak the same language.
So, that's all the news about the humans. I won't tell you about the other dog or the cat. I don't really like them. And, I don't have time. I need to go wait for that one guy that comes every year in the red suit.
Tino (the dog)