Friday, June 20, 2008

Yes, Dear. That Vine is Lovely, But IT'S POISON!

For the past couple of years, we've had this vine slowly trying to grow on our house. It was fairly under control and the King thought it "looked pretty". It stayed fairly small, so I just ignored it and let the King enjoy it.

My friend, Anita, who also happens to have a degree in horticulture said it was poison ivy. Not that it might be poison ivy. She said it WAS poison ivy. The King insisted that that simply could not be the case, and that the vine was pretty and to leave it alone. Who did I listen to? Yeah, the King. Figures.

Fast forward to last summer. We had a huge bush in front of the vine. Seriously, the bush was known to eat the arms off of passers by, and it was ugly. No, worse than ugly. It was hideous! I finally had enough of looking at the thing (and dodging the mean old mocking bird that lived in there and dive bombed me EVERY time I walked by, so I got a saw and took the bush down. With the bush down, the vine began to thrive.

The vine did more than just thrive. It practically took over the whole house. Picture Little Shop of Horrors. This is the grandfather to the plant from that play. Seriously. It just kept growing, up to the roof, toward the garage, and anywhere else it wanted. It gave me nightmares.

We also have a pet turtle named Walter. He should have been roadkill, but instead lives in a turtle mansion on top of our tv. Truthfully, he's the best pet ever. He doesn't bark, meow, poop anywhere, jump on you, or lick your face while you're trying to watch a movie on the Lifetime channel. (I don't watch them, but the King does. Shhhhh! He'd be so embarrassed if he knew I told you!)

Anyway, Walter seemed to be lusting after some greens to eat. I, being the resident genius of the family, decided to trim some of the vine off. I had grown to hate that thing anyway, so it just made sense. He LOVED it! So, I trimmed some more.

Guess what happened about 48 hours after the first trimming? I BROKE OUT!!! I am covered in poison ivy. Do you know what pregnant chicks can have for poison ivy? Not much, folks! Not freaking much! So, I am now a pasty white beached whale with red blotchy spots all in my hands, arms, and already questionable legs. It's really a classy look. Oddly, I don't see the men lining up to ask me out.

Since I was already covered in the stuff, I loaded up on long pants, a long shirt, and some gloves. I got outside, climbed up on my wobbly little step latter, and pulled the guts out of that sucker. That thing is DEAD on the curb! Ha! That'll show the vine who's boss! Well, sort of. It may be dead, but I'm still covered in an ugly itchy rash...and I promised my kids a trip to the pool today.


Anonymous said...

so did you take a picture of this before you tore it down? And I so would be postponing the pool trip, you are a better woman than me LOL

Darci said...

Oh yuck poison Ivy is evil. Hey is it deadly hot where you live. I can handle 100 degrees but this 106 is killing me. I want to find dh a better job and there is nothing here so I want to be close to friends.

Ramsey Fam said...

where is the picture of you covered in poison ivy and prego. I love that you commented on mine so I could find yours. I love your writing. Very entertaining.

Bilary said...

Okay, pictures, please! You poor thing, but you sure do know how to tell a good story! You are quite the trooper. I wouldn't be laughing at it. I am a big fat wimp! Good luck! Does it give you a fever or anything else? Or is it just a miserable itchy rash? Just curious!

It didn't kill the turtle did it? Are they immune to it?

AimeeTheSuperMom said...

The turtle is very alive, and very well. I forgot to take pics., but just picture leprasy. That's about what my arms, legs, neck, left boob, and fingers look like. Cortizone cream really makes a big difference, though.

Bilary said...

You poor thing! Is it any better yet? How long is it supposed to last? And I gotta know...Did you take your kids to the pool - in a swimming suit? You guys could have the whole pool to yourselves!:)

~V~ said...

Can a turtle eat poison ivy?

And leave it to you to "trim the poison ivy" to make it look more presentable. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!