Yes, Dear. That Vine is Lovely, But IT'S POISON!

For the past couple of years, we've had this vine slowly trying to grow on our house. It was fairly under control and the King thought it "looked pretty". It stayed fairly small, so I just ignored it and let the King enjoy it.

My friend, Anita, who also happens to have a degree in horticulture said it was poison ivy. Not that it might be poison ivy. She said it WAS poison ivy. The King insisted that that simply could not be the case, and that the vine was pretty and to leave it alone. Who did I listen to? Yeah, the King. Figures.

Fast forward to last summer. We had a huge bush in front of the vine. Seriously, the bush was known to eat the arms off of passers by, and it was ugly. No, worse than ugly. It was hideous! I finally had enough of looking at the thing (and dodging the mean old mocking bird that lived in there and dive bombed me EVERY time I walked by, so I got a saw and took the bush down. With the bush down, the vine began to thrive.

The vine did more than just thrive. It practically took over the whole house. Picture Little Shop of Horrors. This is the grandfather to the plant from that play. Seriously. It just kept growing, up to the roof, toward the garage, and anywhere else it wanted. It gave me nightmares.

We also have a pet turtle named Walter. He should have been roadkill, but instead lives in a turtle mansion on top of our tv. Truthfully, he's the best pet ever. He doesn't bark, meow, poop anywhere, jump on you, or lick your face while you're trying to watch a movie on the Lifetime channel. (I don't watch them, but the King does. Shhhhh! He'd be so embarrassed if he knew I told you!)

Anyway, Walter seemed to be lusting after some greens to eat. I, being the resident genius of the family, decided to trim some of the vine off. I had grown to hate that thing anyway, so it just made sense. He LOVED it! So, I trimmed some more.

Guess what happened about 48 hours after the first trimming? I BROKE OUT!!! I am covered in poison ivy. Do you know what pregnant chicks can have for poison ivy? Not much, folks! Not freaking much! So, I am now a pasty white beached whale with red blotchy spots all in my hands, arms, and already questionable legs. It's really a classy look. Oddly, I don't see the men lining up to ask me out.

Since I was already covered in the stuff, I loaded up on long pants, a long shirt, and some gloves. I got outside, climbed up on my wobbly little step latter, and pulled the guts out of that sucker. That thing is DEAD on the curb! Ha! That'll show the vine who's boss! Well, sort of. It may be dead, but I'm still covered in an ugly itchy rash...and I promised my kids a trip to the pool today.