A Memo to My Cats

As Number One will tell you, being pregnant makes me slightly more irritable. Maybe it's the huge watermelon I appear to have swallowed which remains at my waistline continually gaining in size and making my poor, sad little body more and more sad. Whatever the cause, I feel the need to express my displeasure to a few people...er...animals. I also have issues with those people who hog up a whole lane at the Wal-Mart parking lot while they wait for someone to unload and pull out. I'll be giving those geniuses a post of their own, though. And it WON'T be pretty.

Okay, so the cats. I have two cats. Well, the King has one cat and I have one cat. But, I suppose I claim them both. (Although my cat is practically the queen of the world and is moderately perfect while his cat appears to be riding the kitty short bus. I'm just sayin'...) Overall, they're good cats. They stay out of my way, don't damage the furniture, and only meow when the children have destroyed their food supply or simply have opted not to feed them for days on end.

Occasionally, however, they make very bad choices. Very bad. This memo applies to those times.

Dear Mouse and Marius (That's their names.):

It has come to my attention that you are unaware of a few social faux pas which you have repeatedly committed. While I realize that Marius is usually the culprit, I'm opting to address you both so you can't come back and meow at me that I never told you. Consider yourselves told.

1. It is considered rude to continually go out the front door only long enough to eat grass. If you are afraid of your own shadow, you should simply stay indoors. While I'm sure the grass seems delicious to you at the time, you should know by now that you will vomit said grass up every. single. time. you eat it. Behavior like this could lead your mildly irritable owner to feel the urge to put you out with the dogs for a few minutes just for a good laugh.

2. It is great that you have such impeccable hygeine (mostly Mouse. Marius is just pretending to bathe so I won't throw him in the sink.), however I don't want to HEAR you licking your privates. Licking one's privates is generally frowned upon no matter where you go. This is not just an issue of me being irritable. Trust me. For your own safety, and in an effort to extend your life, I strongly discourage you from laying at the foot of my bed and licking your privates loudly and for extended amounts of time. When a pillow is thrown at you for said licking, please be advised that simply moving two feet away and starting over doesn't make the situation better. It just makes me angrier because I then have to actually get up and put you in the cat room so I don't have to hear your disgusting licking.

3. When you decide it's time to cough up a hairball, please refrain from making that awful hacking sound while walking all over the house. It's gross. I mean, seriously gross. I don't chase you off for my own thrills. I do it so you can go into the cat room where things are easier to clean up. If you wouldn't lick your privates so often, you'd more than likely find that the hairballs are reduced quite a bit. If you choose to vomit on neatly folded clothes, please note that I will be a bit grumpier than usual for the remainder of that day. If you choose to vomit in or on my shoe, please note that said shoe is likely to come flying at you.

4. While we love that you want to be so affectionate, please take note of the fact that laying on our heads or drooling while we're trying to sleep or do some bonding of our own does NOT count as a way to get us to love you more. Instead, it makes us want to lock you up for the night. There are calling hours posted during which times you may come for your daily petting and scratching behind the ears...assuming you haven't broken the above listed rules that day. If we haven't personally invited you to sleep on our heads and drool on us, please assume you may take your usual place at the foot of the bed, but remember that is not the place to lick your privates.

Feel free to copy and refer to this memo frequently. (I understand that you're bothered that the dogs didn't get a memo. Let's be honest, though. They're NOT smart animals and no memo is going to change that. There is little or no hope for them.) Should you feel the urge to do something questionable, think about whether or not it's listed in this memo or if it might be something to bring about another memo. If it is, simply do not do said behavior.

Thank you!
-The Management