Sunday, May 23, 2010

Things You Learn When You Move

We have officially moved out of the home we owned, and are living in an apartment for two months before finally going on to our new home in our new state. Moving is always a challenge no matter who you are, but I'd like to think it was more interesting for me because of hte kids I have. I've put together a list of the things I've learned in this move from our house to a three bedroom apartment.

1. Boys are gross. They hide gross things in their rooms under their beds, and by the time you find them, it's way too late. The grossness level has gone off the charts and it's possible HAZMAT needs to be called in. That said, there wasn't any poop hidden in sock draws or closet corners...that I know of.

2. All those things you've been pulling your hair out trying to find aren't as great to find when it's been nearly a year since they first went missing. And really, it's a little embarrassing when the moving guy finds that box of condoms you've searched high and low for. Of course, the box is unopened, which doesn't seem to surprise the movers when you mention that you have five children. You'll be glad to find your wedding ring in the "really special place" you put it in so the kids don't find it. Of course, the spot will be so special that you forget where it is. Your joy in finding the ring will be rapidly squashed when you try to put it on and realize you're apparently a much larger woman than you were the last time you wore it. So, you put it back in another really special place.

3. You know that mine sweeper game you can play on your computer? Moving into an apartment complex that allows dogs is a lot like playing a real live version of that game. Seriously, people. There are doggy doo-doo dump sites every twenty feet here, and still your dog's poop covers my path to my vehicle. Really? Can I just leave my kids' poop all over for you to step in?

4. When all of your children's toys are packed and shipped away for two months, they will find other more creative things to play with. Refer to number three for examples of some of the more disturbing "toys" they've found. I knew CJ had reached a new level of desperation when he came in holding one of those pollen puffs you find floating around in the spring. He gently held and stroked it as he quietly told me, "This is my new pet. Her name is Dora." Really??

5. Children who have never had real cable before will become couch potatoes upon discovering that their new home has channels like Disney, Nickelodeon, and Cartoon Network. Those same children will likely need therapy to get over the trauma when they move out of the apartment at the end of the summer and learn that they are again down to basic channels. I know. They live a deprived life.

6. Sixteen month old babies and two year olds will find great delight in playing in the fire place. As their mother, I find very little delight in cleaning the trail of soot they leave behind when they're done.

7. Having a very nice pool in the apartment complex is a lovely perk. Sharing it with some of the rather unsavory people who live here is a bit less of a perk. I'm thinking particularly of the chick with about seven fat rolls hanging over her thong bikini while she held a beer and cigarrette in one hand and her young child in the other. Luckily, her equally as attractive boyfriend is there to hold her butt cheeks up for her.

8. Children who are not used to sharing bedrooms never sleep when there is someone in there with them. They should get used to this arrangement just in time for us to move out. Then they'll likely cry because they're sad and lonely all alone in their rooms.

9. Apartment complex refrigerators are far too small to accomodate a family of seven.

10. Having something break in your apartment, and knowing that some repairman will come fix it is a lovely feeling. The bathtub only works as a shower rather than just a tub in the master bathroom. Who cares? Someone else will come fix it, and I won't be paying for it. Does it get any better than that really? Yeah. I didn't think so, either.

So, this promises to be a rather enlightening summer. I can only imagine the things I'm going to learn. Stay tuned for more installments of "Things You Learn When You Move".

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