So Much For Sarcasm

Yesterday the kids were driving me nuts. "Moooooooom! He touched me!" "Mooooooooom, I'm hungry. Ewwww! I don't want THAT." I took Pretty and the Beast to the grocery store with me and they were "Mooooooooooom"ing me the whole.dang.time. Finally in the checkout line,I had the following conversation with them.
Me: My name is no longer Mom. It's Suzie Von Rozensnotz. If you can't say it, I won't answer you.
The Beast: (in all sincerity) Um, Suzie Frozen Snots, Pleeeeeeeeze can I have a treat?

*Sigh*. So much for changing my name. I guess that's what I get for trying to be sarcastic with a Deaf kid.

At Least There Wasn't a Dead Body in There.

I just cleaned the Beast's room. I try to have him "tidy up" daily, but then I clean it myself once a week when he's not looking. He has a gift for making messes, hiding things, and well...suffice it to say you just never know what you'll find in there. We've found butcher knives, boxes of matches, long lost shoe mates, missing nails, and much more. I always come away with at least one full kitchen trash bag of nothing but trash. Where does he find this stuff?!?!? There is literally NOTHING but legos in his room.

Here is the list of items discovered just today:
An entire bottle of breastmilk supplement capsules all opened and their contents scattered throughout the room.
Several princess dress-up shoes, but only the left ones.
A petrified banana peel in the lego bin.
New decorations permanently drawn on his floor.
I also learned that, even if your bed is on the floor, you can still hide things under it. That's where I found the very sad remains of my new package of press and seal, dress-up princess bling bling jewels, and severeal missing socks.

*Sigh*. He will outgrow this someday. Right?

You Know You're a Weenie When...

Picture it:The King and me trying to guess what could be under/behind the tv stand making that creepy, creepy noise. We both looked at each other stupidly, both trying to hold out for the other to volunteer to investigate. Being the knight in shining armor that he is, he didn't budge. So, I got up and got the foam pirate sword. (Hey! It might have helped!)

I inched up to the tv stand and could hear it louder and louder. I was just sure this was going to beyond words disgusting. Maybe a man-eating spider or a rodent of unusual size or *gasp* a snake laying eggs. Gently, carefully I edged up to it with the sword in hand. I leaned over and looked trying not to get too close with my face in case it was something that could eat my face off. And there, looking as innocent as he could, was The King's stupid cat trying to catch a fly.

Yeah. You know you're a weenie when you're literally afraid of a fly.

Number One had the first day of his last year of elementary school today. He is pretty sure he rules the school. He is definately too cool for "all the baby stuff" like having your mom walk you in the door and wearing weenie hair. Ok. The King explained to me that it was no longer cool to have your mom cut your lunch sandwich into heart shapes. So, off to fourth grade he went with a square sandwich.

The Beast had his first day of Kindergarten today, too. He and his BEST friend, Miss P., are in the same class together. I couldn't be more thrilled. Miss P. keeps the Beast in check and helps him remember to make good choices. They were so excited to go to school together.

Pretty and Snort are back with Ms. Buffy. Pretty was completely heart broken that she didn't get to go with the Beast and Miss P. She literally fell to the ground sobbing that she didn't get to walk in line with them. The three of them played together all day every day this past summer, so I'm not too surprised to see that she was so sad about the change.

As for Little Guy, well he now gets three mornings a week to just cuddle with his Mama. And that's just how it should be. Right?

We Love You, Angela

This is our Angela. She's been babysitting our kids since the day we moved here. Literally. Number One was just ten months old. She did take an 18 month break to serve her mission, but that's been about it. Otherwise, she's always been a part of the family. Tonight was the last time we'll be seeing her for a while in person, although we do love that there is always the webcam.

Tomorrow morning, she's moving on to bigger and better things as she follows her dreams and does what she needs to do to move on with her goals and aspirations. We'll miss her terribly, but we're so very proud of her. I just pulled these pictures off my phone, but there are many more I could share. And eventually I will.

When the going gets tough and things aren't going the way you think they should, remember We Love You, Angela! And we always will. Good luck in all you do!!!

What is it With My Kids and a Toilet Obsession?

I had been looking all over the house for Snort the other day. He spends most of his time tagging along behind his sister and big brothers. This time, though, I couldn't find him anywhere. And then I heard it. Plop! Splash! Plop! Waaaaaaaaaaaaah! Mamaaaaaa! I went into the bathroom to find Snort in a bit of a pickle. Somehow, he'd gotten himself onto the potty and was all the way in it. He also had a roll of toilet paper, a face card, a game boy, and a couple other things I didn't care to identify while I was fishing them out.

I could tell he was scared about being stuck in the toilet and unable to get off, so being the wonderful mom that I am, I went hunting for the camera. I couldn't find it, so I got my cell phone out instead. Sadly, it doesn't take nearly as good of pictures, and this was the only decent one. The one of him all the way in the toilet and screaming to get out told a much better story, but who's really counting?

So, should I have kept the game boy or thrown it out?

A Memo to the Staff

Dear Staff-
As we embark upon the new school year, a few small details have come to my attention which I think you might benefit from hearing. Please know that this is meant only as constructive criticism. It would benefit you all greatly to refrain from falling to the floor screaming and crying.

Number One-Please note that the Golden Rule works two ways. I will treat you the way you wish to be treated, but you also have to treat me the way you would like to be treated. Contrary to popular belief, I am not your slave. You are responsible to clean up after yourself or run the risk of your treasured toys, books, and thingamabobs being damaged or eaten by the other small humans in the house.

Beast-While your efforts at freshening up the air in the house are greatly appreciated, garlic cloves are not typically a great choice from a room scent. Even vampires avoid it. Next time you decide to freshen your room, please consult with management before opting to grind a whole head of garlic into various special places in your room.

Pretty-Gymnastics is a wonderful skill, but is generally preferred during your waking hours. Please refrain from demonstrating your gymnastics skills when you're sleeping in my bed with me. While I love watching your tricks, it is often difficult to do with the black eye you gave me in your sleep.

Snort-How helpful of you to be so willing to wash you sister and brothers' toothbrushes. While it is deeply appreciated, we would prefer that you wash them in the sink rather than the toilet with yellow water in it. There may be some cultures that find this practice acceptable, but the culture you live in is not one of them. Thanks for your efforts on this one.

Little Guy-Dang you're cute! We'd like to keep you alive for a while, so if you could please limit the number of times you wrap your tubing around your neck and body in a ten minute span, I'd really be delighted.

Thanks for all your willingness to work on these small little issues. I'm sure everyone will be much happier to see these improvements.

-The Management

The Old Swimmin' Hole

My kids have been DYING for me to buy them a swimming pool. In my defense, we've had two this year already. Somehow, they all fall to some horrible demise. Apparently I wasn't on the ball enough to get them another one, so they felt the need to create their own. I don't know if I should be proud or mortified. At any rate, here is the photo of Pretty enjoying her new high quality swimming pool.

Just Because I Love Them

Here are some fun pictures of the kids. Just because.

My Pretty Pretty Princess

We finally got a chance to have Pretty's real birthday party with her friend, Andrea. They have tons of mutual friends, so it just made sense to have their party together. We had scheduled to have the party at the local children's museum, but due to a series of unfortunate events, we had to move it to a nearby park. Really, though, it didn't matter one bit. The kids all had a great time playing together and eating princess cupcakes and running around like the banchees that they are.

Pretty was delighted to realize that virtually every present had something to do with making her into a princess. She got a princess gown, princess jewelry, princess "make-up" (which is just bubble gum chap stick), princess shoes, princess nail polish, and anything else anyone could think of that would help make a princess all that she should be. I think that, when all was said and done, she had something like three tiaras...and wanted to wear them all.

When we got home, she immediately needed to put on all of her princess stuff and go show La La and her friend, Ms. P. Honestly, even if she were wearing nothing more than a brown paper bag and had dirt and leaves in her hair, she would always be my Pretty Pretty Princess.

Gary the Lizard

I was cleaning the boys' bathroom the other day and discovered a pet that I didn't know we owned. As I reached behind the toilet to scrub it, I was horrified to discover a gecko lizard. He was just a little lizard, but was still an uninvited guest. I can only assume he was trying to sell me Geico insurance, but I'm not currently in the market for insurance. I tried to get him to leave, and to my complete horror, the thing detached its tail and scurried away. The worst part was that the remaining tail parts kept quivering for several minutes after the lizard was gone. I know. Disgusting, right?

Fast forward to the next morning. The Beast woke up and told me he had a new pet. "It's a lizard, and we played chase all night long, Mom!". Hmmmm. Really?? I figured he'd just heard the story from the day before and was playing on it. Honestly, if some poor lizard ever ventured into the Beast's room, it was not going to be a pretty sight. There is NO place for anything to hide in there. The Beast went on to tell me that he'd caught his lizard, now named Gary according to him, by the tail. Then, the lizard jumped out of its tail and ran away. GROSS!! My kid is telling me he stood there holding the tail of his dear friend, Gary.

Anyway, the Beast has been very bothered because he hasn't been able to find Gary for the past couple days. So, he's been praying that Gary and all of his friends and family could come back to see him in his room. He prayed about it with us over dinner, prayed about it at church in his Sunday school class, and more. He even asked if we could post "Lost Lizard" signs all over town. (Can you even imagine that!?!?) Tonight, the Beast's prayers were answered. "Mom! Come here! Gary is died!!!" I got up and ran to his room where I discovered a very dead, very large gecko lizard-minus the tail.

Rest in peace, Gary the Lizard.

My Shopping Trip With the Beast

I had taken an inventory of what clothes everyone had in preparation for the impending school year. Most of the kids have everything they'd need. Number One got a whole new wardrobe while he was visiting his grandparents in UT, so I didn't need to worry too much about him. Snort and Little Guy don't really need a whole lot, so I also didn't worry about them much, either.

Pretty is quite the little girl when it comes to her wardrobe, so she actually had enough to work with. She'll need a few thinsg here and there, but nothing huge. I usually shop for her (and really all my kids) off the clearance rack. It works well, saves money, and allows me to buy more for less.

So, it was just the Beast who really needed clothes. Not a ton, but definately something. Pants and shorts were needed as well as a few shirts. I decided that he and I should have a date of our own. So, off we went around seven tonight. Four and a half hours later, I returned. Here are the top ten things I learned from the Beast tonight.

10. You might as well start off at Wal-Mart. You'll wind up there in the end anyway.
9. Manequins don't move because they're not real people. You don't have to be offended when they don't talk to you because, again, they're not real people. No, you don't have to ask permission to pet the manequin's dog. No, the dog is not real, either.
8. Seeing the door to the backroom at Old Navy wide open can lead to sheer horror at the fact that there are "body parts" hanging all over the place. No, those aren't dead bodies. They're manequin parts. Yes, they're building people back there. But not real people.
7. Shopping for clothes becomes far less interesting if you go to stores that keep toys right by the clothing department.
6. If you tell a 5 year old what size his sister is, he'll assume every single item in her size in the store is meant for her. When you get to the check out line, you'll find an awful lot of clothes for her that you didn't put into the basket. You'll weed out what you think is all of it, but you'll likely find at least two things in your bag that you didn't put there when you get home.
5. Buying books instead of clothes is really fun, especially when your mom almost never lets you do it.
4. The Clearance rack is a gift from the heavens above. Seriously.
3. Underwear that doesn't have pictures of Scooby Doo and other famous cartoon character may as well not exist. It's not nearly as worthy of being worn on your butt as underwear that does have pictures.
2. If your 5 year old poops in a public bathroom, he'll proudly announce it to everyone when he comes back out. And he'll be loud about it.
1. Four and a half hours of one on one time with Mom isn't nearly good enough if it doesn't end with Mom reading you that great new book you talked her into buying for you.

Don't get me wrong, folks. I learned a LOT more than just those ten things. It was a great trip. In an answer to the question I hear most, I can now confirm for you that NO, the Beast does not stop talking or asking questions. Ever. He told me Sid the Science Kid on PBS told him to keep asking questions. Great. I'll thank Sid later.

I also discovered that the Beast can read. We had an idea that he'd taught himself, but listening to him read every shirt logo, clearance sign, cereal box, and whatever else came into his path confirmed it. The kid is a genius. Bless his teacher this year. She's in for a fun ride.

So, now that it's tomorrow already, I'm finally settling in for the night. I should be tired, but I'm still just enjoying the fun I had with him. He was everywhere, into everything, talking non-stop, and just a delight to spend quality time with. He may be a Beast. But he's my Beast, and I wouldn't trade him for any other Beast in the world.